Fields of Innocence
by Aisling-Siobhan
Summary: Accompaniment to Kill Me Now. Read after that one! Kathryn POV, as Annette ruins her life Kathryn tries to remember what went wrong with it. Song is Evanescence Fields of Innocence. This is COMPLETE!


Thanks to wicked vamp for the review, I love you huni! I'll check out kerimack's fics I promise. Also because you asked so nice LOL here's Kathryn's POV… :D Check out the bottom message if you're interested in more.

And here's a link to where you can download **_Kill Me Again_**, I uploaded it for all those interested! - http/s25. of Innocence"

**Disclaimer**: I don't own any of the characters from **Cruel Intentions**, if I did we'd have many more happy Seb/ryn fans out there, and less Seb/ette:(

**Summery**: Accompaniment to Kill Me Now. Read after that one! Kathryn POV, as Annette ruins her life Kathryn tries to remember what went wrong with it.

**A/N**: Song is **Evanescence** **_Fields of Innocence_**. This is COMPLETE!

_XXX_

_**I still remember the world  
From the eyes of a child  
Slowly those feelings  
Were clouded by what I know now**_

I never used to be like this. Once upon a time I used to be like everyone else, young, innocent, a child with dreams of the future. I'm not one to show vulnerability but those dreams were always centred around me! Yeah, yeah, big surprise! It was about everyone looking up at me, worshiping me for being wonderful, for being perfect. Never once, not even in my worst nightmare, did I dare to dream this up. Oh, they were looking up at me alright, but in a mixture of fear, anger and disgust. I once told Sebastian that "everybody loved me, and I plan to keep it that way"; I guess you don't always get what you want… not even me!

**_Where has my heart gone  
An uneven trade for the real world  
oh I...  
I want to go back to  
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all_**

I never did have the best of moms, but you can't miss something you never had, right? My dad was the best though, no doubt I my mind. Even now, at 18, he's still one of the few people that I trust, the other two being Blaine Tuttle and… well, Sebastian! But that's for latter. I never had to perform for my dads love! He was my dad, I was his daughter, that was the only reason he needed to love me… but he had his 'off' moments, the few times my mom got to him! I hated those moments.

I remember the first time, I was four and they'd spent a fortune on toys and dresses for my birthday, and they threw a party and left me with my nanny. I was **four**! I just wanted my parents on my birthday, not toys aged 5+-13 years. I shouted and I screamed and I kicked my legs around and threw my toys at anyone who'd come near me, except my parents. And, you probably guessed but, they were the only ones not to go near me. I just wanted a hug, I was four. They sent their guests home. Then they came near me! So my mother could slap me and call me a "spoilt bitch". My father tried to stop her, but she turned on him.

I, at 4 years old, ruined my mother's social life. I embarrassed her in front of half the city at 'my' party! Unlikely since I wasn't invited! I was four, I was a child. All children act like that. For all the problems in my attitude, I blame my mother, Tiffany.

**_I still remember the sun  
Always warm on my back  
Somehow it seems colder now  
_**

I used to be innocent; yeah I'm gunna keep repeating that until you believe me! Again, I blame my mother. I admit she wasn't all to blame, I wasn't _completely_ innocent or anything, but she ruined all I had left! I got my first kiss at 8, and my first 'real' kiss at 10. He wasn't very good, he must have been hungry, I did look pretty yummy! Yeah, yeah, I'm laughing!

The first time I met Sebastian was at a party, I was a little over 14 and we became friends, I guess. I was a little bitchy to everyone else, PMS; what can I say? But to Sebastian I was… nice. No, not fake 'nice', I was nice! I don't know how else to describe it. It didn't last long though.

About half way through the night we went to go upstairs, it was quieter, and the first room was locked, sow e went into the next one. My mom was in there, with Sebastian's dad, Edward Valmont, screwing like dogs in heat on the floor. Yeah, they didn't even bother with a bed! Again I shouted and I screamed. My mom didn't care! She told me to get out; she said she'd find me when she was done. I told my dad, dumb huh? He made me wait in the car. He came out with Tiffany, as I referred to her as for a while, later and we went home. Six months later they were officially divorced.

I hated Sebastian the moment I saw them on the floor, he wanted to go upstairs. If we hadn't gone, I would never have known. I was so angry I figured "why not?" and I went out to a friend of mine's house, a guy friend, and I threw myself at him. He was older than me by two years, but he was alright. We fucked, he took my virginity, and once the deed was done I got out of the bed, got dressed and thanked him for a great time. It was safe to say he was shocked that I had dismissed him, not the other way around!

That was the last shred of my innocence I possessed and I threw it away in anger! It became a habit; I haven't had any real relationships that work differently. My commitment issues and the loss of my innocence are once again my mothers fault.

**_Where has my heart gone  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
oh why...  
I want to go back to  
Believing in everything_**

The second time I met Sebastian was almost a year later. This time I lost my dignity! So we met, I avoided and he cornered me. We talked and then I apologized to him. It was quite the site, Sebastian Valmont, speechless! His eyes were wide, almost comic as he looked at me, I apologized! I guess I finally realized it wasn't his fault, even if he hadn't taken me upstairs my parents would have divorced eventually. Sooner, rather than later, right?

I kissed him, it took him a while to get over the shock but he kissed me back. We went upstairs again, at another party; there were a lot of those, and we kissed again. He put his hand under my skirt and looked at me. I had to laugh, he seemed so surprised. _"Didn't want panty lines"._ It was memorable. I stroked him for a while through his pants as he got me off. He was 'this close' to sticking his dick in me after I came screaming his name when screeching could be heard from the doorway. My mother stood there, a drink in hand screaming her lungs out, Edward came running and practically dragged Sebastian from the floor and out of the room. Practically the moment he left my things were being thrown in a bag. We left England that night and no invitation on Sebastian's part or anyone else's could convince my mother to bring me back there. I lost all remaining dignity the night my mother walked in on her fuck-buddy's son almost screwing 'innocent' little Kathryn. I really hate my mother!

**_Where has my heart gone  
An uneven trade for the real world  
oh I...  
I want to go back to  
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all_**

After that it was a year before I saw him. I was getting ready to meet the infamous fiancé of my slut mother and the door bell rang. I'm still doing my make up so I refuse, and my mother shouts at me. So I answer the door and nearly faint in shock. Sebastian and his father are on my doorstep, bags surrounding them and smiles plastered on their faces. Until Sebastian sees me and blows a gasket, I still remember what he shouted, it rings in my ears sometimes, when they parentals argue or blame one of us for something, I imagine it being me married to Edward and my heart freezes again. He called me a child, Edward did, and I hated him then. I blamed my mother for everything really, but he, I hated him for talking down to me. Like I didn't matter, I'm Kathryn Merteuil!

I insulted my mother some, and stormed off to snort my lovely white powder giving Sebastian dirty looks for his comment on the way. He found me moments later, with the spoon under my nose and the cross held in my hand. He completely tripped out, and grabbed the lot. Rushing to the toilet, I was so shocked; all I heard was the flushing. When he walked back in the room empty handed it dawned on me, I ranted about the cost and how much of a waste it was. And he promised me he'd pay me back, tight git, died before he could make good on his word.

We settled into a sort of friendship after I told him we were brother and sister now. The look on his face haunts me sometimes, he looked broken, and I felt ashamed. I hated it as well, but what could you do? I lost my privacy and broke the poor boys heart in the process, and I blame my mother and Edward. Yeah, I really give my mother a lot of stick don't I?

_**Where has my heart gone  
Trapped in the eyes of a stranger  
oh why...**_

Two years later, we were still in our abnormal friendship, touching and teasing, me driving him wild and revelling in it. Until Annette Hardgrove came along. It was a laugh, a stupid bet like all the others. He was never meant to fall in love! Not with anyone except me, it was the idea, we were above that! I guess I got too caught up in it, when he dumped her I should have left it at that and fucked him like he wanted instead I had to tease and antagonize him. Tell him I didn't fuck losers and played with his head. He left after her, if I hadn't have said those things to him he wouldn't have left.

I called Ronald and told him Sebastian had beaten me in a jealous rage, he went after him and they fought, from what I heard, in the middle of the road. If I hadn't have manipulated Ronald into going after Sebastian he would never have been near that car. I made this bet! I deserve everything that came from it, but Sebastian did love her, well he believed he did anyway! If I hadn't have made that bet, if I had slept with him beforehand like I wanted to so badly, there would ever have been a bet, and Sebastian would never have died! I'm to blame, the one person I ever loved in a not platonic sense and I killed him. Oh, I wasn't driving the taxi or anything, but it was me and my games that put him there, and now he's gone.

He was never meant to leave me, and now he's gone. And as I stand here behind this podium and give my speech about how great Sebastian was and how much we'll miss him, Annette will never know how true my words are. Nor will she care; she's too busy handing out copies of Sebastian's journal. I can't believe he trusts her with it but not me! The fucking bastard! And as the principle, _her_ father, takes my cross and gives me a disgusted look, I stare at the crowd of peers before me and shudder in rage…

**_I want to go back to  
Believing in everything_**

… I am Kathryn Merteuil and no one fucks with me!

**_The End_**

I may do a full fiction based on the events mentioned in the two one-shots. From children to adults, if people want it... please read and review! I know it's a bit short but still… :D


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